Monday's Joke of the Day:

Being loose with money can lead to tight times.

Herbivores come in browns and graze.

Don't kiss birds or you may get an untweetable canarial disease.

A bird watcher was recently convicted of storking.

Two snakes parted, and one said, "Fangs for the memories"

We found a dead crow in our front yard but have yet to hear the caws of death.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

One day of coal
364 days of fun.......
The choice is obvious to me...

Q. What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
A. Decaffeinated

Don't try to catch snowflakes on you tongue until all the birds have flown south.

A pun is the lowest form of humor unless you thought of it yourself.

If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative.
Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.

What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.

A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.  
 
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.  
 
Remember: puns about food should be taken in gest.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!  
 
A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.  
 
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.  
 
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.  
 
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?  
 
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.  
 
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.  
 
 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
 
Is there another word for synonym?
 
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
 
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
 
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
 
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
 
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
 
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
 
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
 
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
 
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
 
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
 
How is it possible to have a civil war?
 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
 
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
 
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
 
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
 
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
 
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
 
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?